"you are at lost for words to say, thoughts to think
even when there is really no need to
you just wander, in your thoughts,
reaching far to the world
to wherever you can escape
just so to escape
is it fear that is haunting me?"
These are the very words I wrote months aback at a time when I was at my lowest, when layers beneath the smiles and hello’s are but traces of sadness and doubt.
Last Sunday, Mother’s Day, I thought that same feeling would recur. I must admit there are just episodes in my wonderful years with mama that kept on flashing in my mind and yes, it does makes me want to cry and feel sad all over again. In my mind I thought that for the first time in my life I wouldn’t be saying “Happy Mother’s Day, Mama.” Sunday passed by with so much longing for mama’s embrace, but it brought me one step closer towards acceptance. As I always remind myself, I’m taking everything a step at a time, in my own pace and in my own way. So for now, when browsing old family pics is not yet something I am ready for, I find courage to publish these thoughts I wrote during mama’s send-off. Read on.
--------------------------------
On my way to Manila, I knew something wasn't just right. There were signals everywhere. Signals I did not intend to dig into because I, and even they, know I would breakdown, would not be able to handle it, would end up so ... so lost. So I acted as if I knew nothing, as if mama was alive, as if no one was concealing to me the fact that I just lost mama, on my way home just days after she said to me "come home, I'm dying."
Dearest Mama,
These past few days, news came from everywhere informing me of your condition. As much as I want to cry and pour out whatever emotion and sadness that I feel, something is just holding me back. Maybe because I am in denial, or maybe it has dawned to me that everything will still be all right. All I know is that I never get as emotional when I am writing you a letter. So know that all this came from my heart, words that were cultivated by your love, thoughts and memories that were painted by your goodness.
Two years ago, when you were diagnosed with stage IV cancer, i felt the world on my shoulder--everything just went rushing through my veins. You don't deserve to be sick. I thought that after having taken care of us, it’s about time that you and papa reap the rewards of your efforts. But life, God, really has it's own way of doing and undoing things the way they are supposedly. And while this fragile heart of mine is squeezed, scarred, and hurt, there is nothing more I can do but graciously accept our fate, and let you know that we are here -- we love you.
I knew then that all these have a greater purpose. True indeed. Your kindness and papa's kindness has resonated love within and from outside our family. Everything just happened accordingly. Friends poured out their love, their comfort, even their resources. Family showed genuinely they were there for one another. You see mama, you have given birth to more love. And for whatever other purposes, i leave it for the for the future to unfold.
Mama, words and actions could not capture this enormous gratitude i have for you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
... for loving us unconditionally, no matter what. you loved us more than you loved yourself. We are your life. Mama, know that you are our life too, your love is forever etched in our hearts.
... for taking care of our needs. You ensured that we have food on our table, that we have money on our pockets to school, that we have new shirts or shoes even if we are at tight times, that we have a lovely home that nests our needs.
... for inspiring us to be whatever we can be. You allowed us to reach for our dreams, understand us when we at times we fail, gave us hope when we lack of it. You never dictated our decisions, you let us be ourselves and take responsibilities for our actions.
... for being generous to us. You have showed genuine kindness to us, to others and you taught us to be the same to the rest of the world.
... for being strong. You protected us, took care of us. You nursed us when we are sick of asthma, or flu. You showed a strong upfront during our toughest times. And through our toughest, you never showed traces of anxiety, you never showed us you were weak; instead you spared us from all of it.
... for giving us the best times of our lives. You laughed with us, cooked our favorite food, tidied our bed when we just can’t; recognize us when we achieve something. You were proud of us, of our achievements and successes in even the most minor of things. Know that we are prouder of you. You are our success, you are the greatest achievement we have and will ever have.
... for showing us how important family is. You showed to us, through your relationships with your siblings, how sweet and fruitful it is to be surrounded with family. You inspired us to watch out for and bring out the best in one another.
... for squeezing out the best in Papa. You are forever his darling. You loved him, and took good care of him, accompany him in being our family's provider. You showed us how you tremendously loved one another, genuinely, without any condition. We are awe-inspired, overwhelmed by your love for each other.
While a part of me is regretting that you are gone, we are letting go of you... we have to. Ma, i know you are tired already. And if dying brings you peace, then we are happy to turn you over to His loving arms. There in heaven, you will be in peace. There in heaven, I am assured that you will still look out on us, take care of us like you always had. There in heaven, you will still be a mother to us.
Ma, we will miss you. I will really really really miss you. On birthdays, on weddings, on your grandchildren's baptism, on your anniversaries, on reunions, on dinners, on ou travels... we will miss you.
Ma, we love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
You are the greatest source of our existence. And to wherever paths God will lead us, as a family and as individuals, we will bring your teachings, your memory, your love with us.
See you in heaven.
Love, J.
--------------------------------
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!
